The Prophecy, Fantasy & Desire of my Conception

I sat on the forest floor, covered in pine needles and surrounded by tall bodies of trees, silently witnessing my ritual. I closed my eyes, crossed my legs tightly around my body and breathed in deeply. I began swimming in the void. The empty space of all possibilities.

It was Imbolc, the festival of the Goddess, and the quiet awakening of Spring.

After my meditation ended, I shuffled my Tarot deck and pulled 3 cards: The Magician, The Lovers & The Emperor.

Deeply connecting with my intuition, I experienced the Magician as God, the Lovers as myself and my husband, recently married, and the Emperor our child to come. This was the first sign, of the many signs I was going to have of giving birth to a Son. Moreover a King, as resplendent as the rays of the Sun. Son of the Sun.

So when this card came up, I was overjoyed.

I began fantasing about the child I was to bear and how overjoyed I would feel to have him in my womb.

But my dreams shattered the very next day.

Bright red blood soaked my underwerar. I felt tears prick my eyes. It felt like someone was squeezing my heart, my stomach churning in panic.

I sat on the couch, the tears really falling now. My husband came in and held my body as I wept in his arms. I could feel his disappointment too, but in this instance, he gave his everything to comfort me. I looked into this blue eyes and said I was sorry, was this my fault?

This was the first time we had tried and I was so certain it had worked, so when my period came, I was so confused.

The next three times we tried, we experienced the same thing, a period that came regularly, on the dot.

So what was going on? At first I struggled to comprehend. Isn’t making a baby about having sex around your ovulation? So why was I not pregnant?

My sadness turned into curiosity, I began to wonder. What is this great mystery of creating life? What was I naive about?

The last few months have unfolded beautifully and with them revealed so much that I didn’t know when I first embarked on my pregnancy journey. Turns out, it’s not merely a physical act of sperm meeting the egg at the right time of a woman’s cycle but so much more.

In the next series of posts I will explore:

• The mental & spiritual elements of getting pregnant

• The importance of clearing the body of stagnant energy

• Nurturing our sacred waters

• The Influence of the Moon

• The joy of surrender

The Mental and Spiritual Elements of Creation

The following month, I visited my parents. And one night, we all gathered as a family and began sharing our dreams…

I described my recurrent dreams that I had been having. A dream of being engulfed by water, surrounded on all sides, flooding. And yet I was relatively calm, despite a tsunami breaking out around me. After pondering over this for a few moments, my sister responded that water in dreams represents emotions, could there be certain emotions that you are repressing?

I stared blankly at her.

Emotions? I searched within me, there were no emotions, only focus, drive and a determination for success.

And I heard myself admitting something that I was so surprised came out of my mouth “I just can’t imagine what it would like to have a baby”. And I turned around to my parents and asked, “did you imagine me before you had me?”

“Of course, we desired you the moment we were wed, we knew we wanted you and immediately, within a month I conceived you”

“But how do you imagine a child that’s not there?” And it was then I realised that I was scared.

I was scared of imagining in case it didn’t happen. I was afraid of desiring for a child and almost had a “if it happens it happens, I’m not that botthered” attitude… and yes deep inside concealed a desire that I wasn’t allowing to surface.

Suddenly I felt engulfed by all the emotions that I’d been suppresing. I felt like I was drowning.

Because the reality is, you have to not only imagine your children, you have to create them from a place of deep desire.

After hearing from other women, I realised that what I was feeling was only natural, many women have fears around their fertility, wondering whether they would ever be able to conceive. But this fear and stress itself is a major blocker. Mentally, we need to feel so relaxed and connected to our sacral energy that we simply surrender into the experience.

But as a control-freak, workaholic, perfectionist, how could I let go? My mind simply wouldn’t let me.

I was all in my mind. I needed to make the slow descend into my body.

So I began, like Innana, journeying into the underworld, of my body, seeking for new stories, stories of everlasting life, of creation, of desire.

Then one day, not long after, whilst meditating on the setting sun, my baby fully emerged into my field of awareness, so complete and total. His name came into my awareness and I laughed, at how perfect it was, how fitting that this is what he chose to express himself as. I could feel him in my arms and I began to talk to him, calling him by his name, imagining him playing under the great big oak and speaking to the wildlife around him.

He felt like this great being, waiting for the perfect moment to arrive and I was being called to surrender, to be patient and to wait.

In this holy wait, I rest now, in this weighted pause is where I am.

But this time the flames of desire have been lit. I know I am being called to be the mother that he needs, and I surrender into the great unknown, my body my true guide and teacher.

This magic has unfolded and has began to get stronger.

I’d love to hear from you! What was your experienced of conception like? How did you prepare yourself to bear the great gift of life?